Cut down a tree and waste electricity
Fuck you, it's Christmas
Buy some festive knick knacks, that fit nicely in your ass
Fuck you, it's Christmas
Dress your pets in elf hats, then have them lick fudge off your balls
Fuck you, it's Christmas
Serve food to the poor, and then drive away in your Prius
Fuck you, it's Christmas

You're driving long distances through twenty feet of snow
And it looks like your uncle started drinking right after church
You got tiny marshmallows in every side dish you eat
No one has presents, we're all just swapping gift cards

Max out your credit card, and help save the economy
Fuck you, it's Christmas
Wake up at fucking 4am to buy a piss-my-pants Elmo
Fuck you, it's Christmas
The war on Christmas is a war we can actually win
Fuck you, it's not Hanukkah
I'd fuck Gretchen Carlson's brains out, but somebody beat me to it
Fox News, makes me wet

'Twas the night before Christmas, and Saint Nick had come
Not for Jews or for Muslims, because their religions were dumb
With him he brought, one special present
The tiny Christ-child, the size of a pheasant
Down every chimney, leading him by the foot
'Till his swaddling clothes were coated in carcinogenic soot
And that is how Jesus got cancer of the balls
And as he died for our sins, he wish a merry Christmas to all

How is it that Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart shit holiday spirit
You're stuck making a Christmas dinner out of Spam and fucking peanut butter
Why the fuck do you want to go shopping right after Christmas?
Sit down, shut up, and enjoy your ugly new sweater