The deck hits stop, quietly whirrs as it rewinds. I wake up, and see Ana's face, receding. I'm not even sure that she's real anymore.
I grab some of the stash that the kids tell me is stylish. Infra-red Mollies and Ultra-violet Sleepers I walk to the corner store. Fresh water and bread. Preachers on the corner selling pills to see god Whenever you try to put some money on the collection plate, they always say "no, first time's free" I take them, but I don't see god.

When I return, I see the rusted gate is gone, no doubt part of some street nesting behavior The brick building still alive in decay, mattresses spread out randomly on floors, owners asleep at best
I find my way to the master bedroom, clear out my spot and sit, back against the wall. I can almost hear her heartbeat inside there. I pull out the deck, slot the tape. Press play.

Ana is in the other room, cooking dinner. I'm installing the new lights in the bedroom. She calls out to me, asks me to come in and tell her "does this taste funny to you?" Upstairs a child giggles. I turn the corner and Ana is standing there, wearing an old concert t-shirt. She still looks beautiful after all these years. If I can squint just right, she looks like the first day I met her. She smiles and beckons me over, leading me by the finger, she spins on her heal. A flash of fire in her eyes. I reach out to touch her face...

The deck hits stop, quietly whirrs as it rewinds. I wake up. My back against the cold wall, a homeless man next to me coughs.

A bad mix these pills. My heart slows. Beginning it's long descent flat to the bottom. Darkness gathers in all the corners. It's fitting...now. All somehow symmetrical in it's own way. What's left of my past buried in the wall behind me, and what's left of my future in every room of this house. A memory, a parasite that robs you of happiness.
I never meant to hurt you. but I just couldn't let you leave. you wouldn't stop. and I couldn't lose myself in it like you did. We couldn't bring her back. and I couldn't bring you back. You were already gone. I just brought resolution to the abstract. It's okay Ana. I will see you soon.

I pull out the deck...
It will be better this time.
...slot the tape...
It will be perfect, forever and ever
...I press play.